Conference

Conference is the confusion of one person multiplied by the number persons present.
Conference Room is a room where executives get together to talk for hours, take a cup of tea and disperse without a decision.

I was in Dusseldorf (Germany) during 1966-1967 working with a large size Industrial Organization.
There, on the outside of door of Conference Hall, I saw pasted a paper on which was written “This is the place where big people get together, gossip, take a cup of tea and disperse without a decision.

Advertisements

What is Audit?

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road.
Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd,
“If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?”
The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies, “Okay.”
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot tables.
He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer, turns to the shepherd and says,
“You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”
The shepherd cheers,
“That’s correct, you can have your choicest sheep from the herd”.
The young man takes one of the animals which he likes most and cute from the flock and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks, “If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?”
The young man laughed and answers, “Yes, why not?”
The shepherd says, “You are an auditor.”
“How did you know?” asks the young man.
“Very simple,” answers the shepherd.
“First, you came here without being wanted.
Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew.
Thirdly, you don’t understand anything about my business…..
Now can I have my DOG back?”

Paraprosdokian.

Paraprosdokian is figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it is still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we would both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left..
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
10. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
11. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
12. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
13. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
14. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
15. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
16. Forgive your enemy, but remember his name.

An Engineer’s Revenge

An engineer was removing the engine parts from a car when he saw a famous heart surgeon in his shop.
Engineer went to the heart surgeon and said, “Look at this engine, I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired and put them back”.
So why do I get such a small salary and you get huge sums ?”
The doctor smiled at the engineer and came close to engineer’s ear and said, “Try the same when the engine is running.”

The engineer smiled back, came close to doctors ear and said, “I can pick any dead engine and make it alive, can you ??? And Doctor do not forget that all your instruments and machines have been designed and got manufactured by enginers.”